I wonder if she ever thought of us,
the way it used to be.
When we were eleven or seventeen or twenty three
and wondered if it could be different…
Sitting around the lunchroom table deciding
who was in…
and who was out.
How we prayed
it was not our turn
to be hated.
But we all played the game
And still somewhere
knowing deep inside our cores
that there was never really hate,
only fear
and that we really did love each other
more than we even knew how to explain
and would have died for to prove it.

I wonder if she ever thought about
the times we would hunker down in her father’s basement
surrounded by undone laundry and dusty picture frames.
watching General Hospital while eating
Doritos and blowing smoke rings
so we could pop them with
our fingers.
Thick as thieves,
Band of Sisters
We would be friends forever…

And yet it only took a small separation,
one leaving for college,
another married ,
full time work
and suddenly it was different…

we were strange to her,
And she thought our life choices
made her life choices a barrier….
but it was only a taunted perception…
I think…
looking back now with more mistakes than I can count
and fully aware of how easy it  was and is to
make them… I am shamed by how we might
have come off as self righteous or proud.

And how that must have wounded her…

I am so deeply sorry

sorry that  it wasn’t different

sorry that I couldn’t find her

even though I searched for two years

sorry that I did not have the chance to know then…

what I know now

about real love

and forgiveness

and faith…

I wonder if she she ever thought of us,

how we used to be and

reached for the phone

to call
one of us….

any of us..
I wonder if she knew

that we would have dropped everything

and come running..
like we did
when the call came…
that there would never be calls from her again.