In this new space where I find myself….I’ve been going though all my work from Seminary. In spiritual formation we kept a journal….this was from a 2008 entry..it is timeless for me as I find God’s voice less than a whisper at times.
Someone once told me
“To pray is to converse with God”
It seems matter of fact
As if I said broccoli is green
And cauliflower is white.
But within the confines of that conversation
Or the lack there of
I find silence.
Not the silence that comes with peace
But the kind that comes from seeking and not finding.
Frustration and anger are the companions of this silence.
The good Christian inside is afraid “they” will find out
Whoever “they” are.
I am trapped in this chasm of darkness within the light
I do not really understand.
I am alone in the company of many
And my fear is… I have chosen this.
Going through the motions
All the while numb
Have I turned off?
Or is He really just being silent.
I listen,
I am quiet
I hear nothing
But the echo of my own voice
I conjure up His presence.
Sing out His praise
Yet it is only
Silence.
I wait.
I will wait.
My knowledge of Him
Intercepts my feelings
He will never leave me or
Forsake me
I will wait out the silence